Questions about Forgiveness

By Steve Badger, with help from several friends

This is a work in progress.  In spite of years of thought on these ideas, some portions are very embryonic, containing little more than questions. Other parts show more development. I hope some part of this will strike a responsive chord in you causing you to think and then to interact with me. And please let your critique be gentle—if you're unkind, I will have to forgive you <g>!

1. Why should Christians think about and discuss this?

The Bible has several overarching themes. The person and nature of God, the plight of humans as sinners, God's plan of salvation, and the certainty of God's judgment are all woven in and through the whole scriptural fabric. Another overarching theme is forgiveness—both humans needing God's forgiveness and humans forgiving each other.

Through the years I've heard Christian leaders define and describe many theological terms like justification, propitiation, sanctification, atonement, stewardship, and eschatology. And although much has been said about forgiveness, I never recall hearing any teacher or preacher work at defining and describing forgiveness—to the detriment of the Body of Christ. Why do I say this has been detrimental? Knowing the words God uses to describe his will is not enough, we must understand what he means by these words .

2. What does the Bible teach about forgiveness?

The typical Old Testament story presents God as the forgiver and humans as those in need of forgiveness, while the New Testament pictures humans in terms of both receiving and granting forgiveness. Jesus taught his followers that they must forgive.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Mt 18:21-22)

He further taught that forgiveness must precede prayer.

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mk 11:25)

He went even further and taught that our receiving forgiveness from God is predicated on our granting forgiveness to those who offend us:

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Mt 6:14-15)

And other parts of the New Testament affirm this expectation. For example, Paul instructed Christians to

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:32)

He also charged the Christians in Colosse to,

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col 3:13)

Without question forgiveness is a “great theme” of the whole Bible, and we Christians are commanded to forgive each other. But if we are to fulfill God's will, then we must discover just what the Bible means by the word.

3. Precisely what is the biblical meaning of forgive?

For years I've struggled to fully appreciate the concept of forgiveness. Perhaps you wonder at my struggle—forgiveness does seem simple and straightforward. Any schoolboy could define and describe it, right?

Forgive denotes someone has been wronged or offended, and the one who was wronged decides to refrain from imposing punishment on the offender or demanding satisfaction for the offense.

My struggle, however, is not with a formal, dictionary definition or the description above, but the biblical meaning—particularly the New Testament meaning, and in how forgiveness is supposed to be lived out in the lives of Christians. In trying to answer this question, several other questions are raised—the answers to which I think are important.

4. Is forgiveness a feeling?

Some people go further than the description above and argue that forgiveness also means that the offended does not continue harboring resentment toward the offender. Does forgiveness mean you no longer feel anger or resentment when you recall the offense? Is biblical forgiveness a feeling? a behavior? or both? Perhaps an analysis of one of Jesus' parables could help us. One of the longest New Testament passages dealing with forgiveness is found in Matthew 18:23-35.  

In this passage Jesus used a story to illustrate God's rule. He said a king was settling accounts with his servants., The king discovered a servant who owed him the equivalent of millions of dollars and could not pay. When the king ordered him and his family sold (into slavery) to pay the debt, the servant begged for mercy. In pity, the king canceled the debt and released him.

This servant found then found someone who owed him a few dollars but could not pay. This person also begged for mercy, but the servant had him thrown in prison until the debt was paid. I'll let Jesus finish the story:

"Then the [king] called the servant in. `You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." (vv.32-35)

5. Who must Christians forgive?

A careful reading of Matthew 18 reveals nothing about forgiveness as a feeling, but only as behavior. It also raises a few difficult questions. 

Should we understand Jesus' use of the words "your brother" to mean that we are required to forgive only other Christians? Or are we also required to forgive non-Christians? If you answer this last question affirmatively, are we obligated to forgive non-Christians in every way the same as we do Christians?

6. Must the relationship between the offended and the offender be restored?

Does forgiveness necessarily imply reconciliation and restored relationship? This is true of God's forgiveness—broken relationship with him is restored. So many Christians want to answer affirmatively.  But if you think the answer is yes, consider this scenario. You are the director of a church-operated daycare, and one of your workers is convicted of child molestation. When his prison sentence is over, he comes to you, confessing his sin and asking for your forgiveness. You assure him that you have forgiven him, then he asks for his job back. How would you respond?

Notice, not all sins break the relationship between the offender and the offended. And even those that do, some are less offensive, making relationship more easily restored.

We must not confuse any unavoidable consequences of sins with unforgiveness.  Even forgiven sins often carry consequences. A person who passes on a sexually transmitted disease because of promiscuity could receive the forgiveness of the newly infected partner, but that would not alter the consequences. Is it possible that a consequence of some sins is a relationship that is damaged so severely that it cannot be restored this side of eternity?

7. What if the offender rejects the offered forgiveness?

Can we say we have genuinely forgiven if the offered forgiveness is not received by the offender? Or is forgiveness independent of the offender's recognition of the wrong or the forgiveness? 

What if the offender dies before you can forgive? Do you still need to forgive him or her? If you say yes, what does the word forgive mean in this context? It cannot be the definition/description above—how can you require no payment from someone who is dead? 

8. What if the offender fails to recognize the offense?

Can we refuse to forgive the offense until the offender admits his or her error and asks for our forgiveness? Is it even possible to forgive if the offender denies the offense or his or her guilt?

9. What should provoke people to forgive?

What should motivate Christians to forgive? Our experience of receiving God's forgiveness—although we don't deserve it—should be sufficient motivation. Another answer would be that God's love in us should motivate us to forgive. Paul did describe the love that God wants us to have as “keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Cor 13:5)

As you read above, Jesus taught that our receiving God's forgiveness is predicated on our forgiving others:

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” (Mk 11:25)

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Mt 6:14-15)

Is a Christian properly motivated if he forgives others just to be sure he can receive God's forgiveness? Maybe not, but knowing God's attitude toward forgiveness, we should be motivated to become more willing to forgive others.

10. Can people forgive as God forgives?

Without question the epitome of forgiveness is demonstrated in God's offer of forgiveness to fallen humanity. Does God expect Christians to forgive others exactly the same way he forgives us? Consider again Paul's admonition to Christians in Colosse: "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col 3:13).

In some ways, then, the answer to the question may be “Yes.” But can we forgive in every way as God does? In what ways should our forgiveness be the same? In what ways might it be different?

God does not forgive sins until a person places his or her faith in Christ by confessing sin, repenting, and asking for his forgiveness (Jn 3:16-18; Acts 2:38; 1 Jn 1:9). Does this mean that God does not expect us to forgive others until they admit their offense and ask us to forgive?

11. Must the offended forget the offense?

In the Old Testament God promised that a day would come when “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Jer 31:31).  The writer of Hebrews quoted this promise (Heb 8:12). But does God expect us to forgive and forget, too? Are we able to choose to forget the way God can?

Does forgiveness mean forget? If you have not forgotten, does this mean you have not truly forgiven (in a biblical sense)? Can you forgive without forgetting? I doubt we are able to forget.

Perhaps we cannot forget (the way God can), but we can choose to stop rehearsing the offense over and over in our minds. Paul described love with this phrase: it “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor 13:5). So to the extent that we repeatedly replay the offense, we are failing to forgive. But I suspect that we have very little control over what we can and cannot remember.

12. What is God's part in my forgiving someone who has wronged me?

As with much of the Christian life, God empowers to forgive, we cannot just accomplish this on our own. The fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) does not specifically mention forgiveness, but re-read this and see how it will contribute to our being able to forgive. The list of the gifts of the Holy Spirit in 1 Corinthians does not mention forgiveness—but the gift of “healings” might be stretched to include this idea. And the list in Romans 12 does mention the gift of showing mercy (v.8).

13. What if the offended refuses to forgive?

Who suffers when you refuse to forgive? You might think you are hurting the person who offended you, but you are really hurting yourself.  

Of course, disobedience is always to the detriment of the Christian. We should serious ask if this act of disobedience could be the beginning of rebellion that could lead to apostasy.

14. How do you know if you have genuinely forgiven?

Forgiveness is not just an event that occurs when certain words are spoken, rather it is an on-going process that includes both attitudes and behavior. Like love, forgiveness is something we do—and don't do!  

Forgiveness is a process that begins with a choice —a decision to relinquish the right to recompense. Unfortunately that decision can be reversed—and when this happens, it is not forgiveness, but delayed payment. In this sense then, the offended is never finished forgiving.

15. Does forgiveness mean you cannot allow compensation?

Forgiveness does not mean that the offender is not allowed to make  restitution—even if it is partial. Imagine someone stole $100 from you, confesses the wrong, and asks for your forgiveness. If you allow him to return the money, does that mean you have failed to forgive? Can you forgive and still require restitution?  Or does this requirement deny the meaning of the word forgive?

Perhaps the same love that compels us to forgive may also compel us to hold a person accountable for his or her misdeeds—for the good of that person.

16. Do people ever have to forgive God?

What a silly question!  God cannot do wrong. Of what would we ever have to forgive him? 

A friend recently told me that she once had to learn to forgive God. This shocked me and provoked some thought. What had happened?  God had let her down.  She had specifically asked him to keep a certain problem from her life, and that very problem was now plaguing her. 

Perhaps at times we need to "forgive" God, but I'd say in a sense quite different from the forgiveness God gives to those who place their faith in Christ Jesus.

17. Do you ever have trouble receiving forgiveness?

Sometimes young (or immature) Christians struggle with accepting the forgiveness from others.  Those God saves from a destructive lifestyle (drugs, sex, etc.) sometimes succeed in forgiving others, only to discover that they are unable to "forgive themselves"—perhaps for what they've done to their parents, spouse, and/or children.

What can you say to someone (or yourself) who finds it difficult to accept forgiveness from God or from other people?

Perhaps a good place to begin is by showing them what the Bible says about receiving God's forgiveness.  For instance 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (NIV) If God has declared you forgiven, isn't your refusal to accept the fact of your forgiveness a bit arrogant?

On the other hand, we should not be so quick to forgive ourselves that we fail to strive toward the holy life that God has called us to. How can we find the biblical balance in this? 

18. What motivates me to think about this and write this essay?

Through the years poets have written much about friendship.  One of my favorites was one by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik.  Shakespeare was right when he wrote that forgiveness (mercy) blesses both the recipient and the giver. 

People rarely do something because of a single motive, and my motivation  for thinking so much about forgiveness and writing this is probably no exception. As clearly as I can understand myself, I believe I rethink these issues periodically, not because I know someone who should forgive me, but because I want to understand how God expects me to forgive those who I feel have wronged me.  

19. Some wrongs don't require forgiveness.

Sometimes people feel that they need forgiveness when they have done nothing wrong. Here I'm thinking of people who confuse guilt with shame. Victims of sin may feel "dirty" because of what happened and feel like they are somehow responsible for it. For example, victims of rape, childhood incest, children of divorces. These victims often feel like they are somehow responsible for what happened, and they don't know how to stop feeling "dirty" and "unworthy."

Such people need to evaluate their situation carefully and prayerfully. God's forgiveness "cleanses us from all unrighteousness." What they need is not really forgiveness, but a clearer picture of themselves as victims.

Is group forgiveness a genuine possibility? Or is it merely rhetoric?  Can an African-American forgive others for slavery or other racial evils? Can native American forgive me for owning a piece of "stolen land"?

20. How is forgiveness often lived out?

How do Christians often practice forgiveness?  We typically have the least trouble forgiving those we like and love the most—unless the offense is too grievous.  But we often have the greatest trouble forgiving those we like and love the least.  Are Christians commanded to like everyone? Without a doubt, we must love everyone—but this speaks of what we do, not of how we feel.

When we are the ones who give offense, we almost invariable call for mercy and grace.  When others offend, we are quick to shout for justice.  Perhaps we would be more forgiving if we reacted to others the way we want them to respond to us when we give offense.  Isn't this what we call "The Golden Rule"?

At times, total strangers may be easier to forgive than friends or "enemies." Perhaps the controlling factor is the nature or seriousness of the offense. I'd like to get input from others on this one.

21. Why does forgiveness matter?

Some years ago I concluded that God's greatest priority for a Christian is to produce in him or her the character traits of God. Why did God devise a plan to provide humans with his forgiveness?  I think his enormous love resulted in the mercy and the grace that "drew salvation's plan." And God's greatest priority for you—if you are a Christian—is for you to allow his Holy Spirit to reproduce that love, that grace, and that mercy in you so that you will want to forgive others, too.

Turn it around and we ask, has a person who refuses to forgive really understood the mercy and grace extended to him or her by God?

22. What conclusions can we draw from this analysis?

I titled this piece "Questions about Forgiveness"—not "Answers to All Your Questions about Forgiveness." I know I've not answered all of your questions.  I probably have not even asked all of the questions a thoughtful Christian may have about forgiveness. But I hope I've provoked you to ponder these issues, and I hope you will seek biblical answers.

As you reflect on the questions raised above, don't become too concerned if you don't have a certain answer for some questions. Probably most of us are unable to answer some of the questions raised above. A friend named Jean Orr once told me, "I will not let the things I don't understand confuse me about the things I do understand." That's good advice here too.

Here are some conclusions that I confidently embrace as biblical: