Book Titles for Dummies

By Steve Badger

I think the first time I saw a book title that used the phrase, it was something like MS-DOS for Dummies. But seeing Beer for Dummies in a bookstore this past weekend caused me to reflect on the overuse of this gimmick. The recent rash of book titles that end with "for Dummies"—and recent stories in the news—prompts me to reflect on titles we’ve not seen yet, but may see soon in a bookstore near you.

Here’s a list of proposed titles—in no particular order—for your amusement and annoyance. (Note: similar titles are included so you can choose the one you like best.)

• Russian Roulette for Dummies
• Methamphetamine Production and Consumption for Dummies
• Recreational Drug Interactions for Dummies
• Dope Smoking for Dummies
• Doing Drugs for Dummies
• Binge Drinking for Dummies
• Painless Home Body Piercing for Dummies
• Body Piercing, Tattooing, and Other Self-Mutilations for Dummies
• Neighborhood Gang Organization for Dummies
• Maximizing Your Dietary Fat Intake for Dummies
• Nocturnal Hitchhiking for Dummies
• Aggressive Driving for Dummies
• Obscene Gestures for Dummies
• Hacking into Pentagon Computers for Dummies
• Manufacturing and Distributing Mail- and Pipe-Bomb for Dummies
• Skydiving without a Parachute for Dummies
• Cordless Bungee Jumping for Dummies
• Playing the Lottery for Dummies
• Acting as Your Own Lawyer for Dummies
• Acting as Your Own Physician for Dummies
• Home Surgery for Dummies
• Home Dentistry for Dummies
• Home Abortions for Dummies
• Same-Sex Marriage Ceremonies for Dummies
• Avoiding Paying Income Taxes for Dummies
• Frontal Lobotomies for Dummies
• Counterfeiting One-Dollar Bills for Dummies
• Counterfeiting Three-Dollar Bills for Dummies

Friend Richard Tatum suggests a few titles of his own:

• Channel Surfing for Dummies
• High Speed Police Evasion for Dummies
• Drinking and Driving for Dummies
• Prank Phone Calls for Dummies
• Computer Hoaxes for Dummies
• Urban Legends for Dummies
• Arguing with Your Wife for Dummies

Internet friend Todd Wilson added a couple I liked.  For students he suggested

• Cutting Classes for Dummies
• Cliff Notes for Dummies

And then for the rest of us he added

• Smuggling Illegal Immigrants for Dummies
• Chainsaw Juggling for Dummies

How can you use this to make a point? Very simply. Copy this essay into your word processor and delete this paragraph and everything that follows (ignore the copyright notice, of course). Then make up your own title and insert it toward the end of the list. For example, if you want to hint to a friend that watching soap operas is dumb, insert Watching Soap Operas for Dummies. Or if you want to tell folks that bashing homosexuals is not nice, add Gay Bashing for Dummies. Got it? I hope you have as much fun with this as I’ve had.

March 23, 1998